Let’s face it…I’ve always hated cooking…and I completely suck at it. Just the thought of having a dinner party sent me into a world of dread. But my anxiety of late has brought it to a whole new level. Just trying to come up with something to make for dinner everyday brings on a stress level that’s beyond anything I’ve experienced before.
I don’t know what has tunneled my anxiety to completely freak out at the thought of Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays etc. but it’s affecting the rest of my life to the point where the anxiety of trying to pull these off has me in a state of constant of the jitters. I know my anxiety level right now is (hopefully temporarily) somewhat crippling but I have no idea why I’ve decided to focus on this. It’s always been a stressor for me but it seems now to have become an obsession. And it’s killing me.
My depression has been severe for a while now but this new focus for my anxiety is relatively new. It’s at the point where it’s hard to think about anything else. It’s really quite pathetic. Although I’m told the new med I’ve started helps with anxiety, it only seems to have increased since I started it. Although I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll have to take medication for the rest of my life, having to take meds to control the anxiety as well is particularly disturbing for me. I guess I’m seeing this as a permanent thing and that is completely not acceptable. It simply has to go away. It’s just not me.
So in the meantime, while the rest of my family continue to be creative cooks, I worry constantly about when it’s my turn next to entertain or feed an crowd of any size. I’m creative in different areas, and I’m sure if I put my mind to it, it wouldn’t seem like such an impossible task but for now I just can’t get past it. It makes me feel like a complete and total failure and I sure as hell don’t need that on my plate with everything else right now.
The only thing I can do about it right now is push through the anxiety and do the best I can. If I fail then so be it. I have a great family and they do nothing but compliment me on my effort (even though my lack of cooking skills has always been a running joke). I just hope everyone knows how hard I’m trying and difficult this is for me right now. Not to mention how very hard this is to admit.
